“One, two, three, four..” “Make sure you have 18 altogether Nani”, my mother interrupts my thoughts as I exasperatedly drop my pills into my medicine holder. “It’s important that you take these meds Nan. You don’t want to end up needing a kidney transplant like Kereece.” Kereece is some really angry adult in my church–who I think probably, hates anyone who’s happy–who has a kidney problem just like me. She kind of reminds me of the crazy scientist villain from The Incredibles. She’s the woman you wouldn’t allow even your worst enemy to have the “pleasure” of meeting. I shun the thought of needing a transplant–and the blunt affirmation of how sick I can become–and decide to lie down. Maybe it will help with this arbitrary dizziness I’m feeling…
When I wake up I’m told I had a stroke. Huh? I mean last time I checked I was barely eleven. I think back to the salty Ramen I remember eating the night before. Great. Thanks Ramen noodle I nearly died. I try to speak but they’re tubes everywhere: an oral, a naso-gastric, a urine catheter and a ventilator. I’m talking places I didn’t even know tubes could go in. I’m told that I had been in a coma for almost two days. Jesus Christ, I think in my head, Ramen can do this to people? It wasn’t until 10 days later was I discharged from the hospital.
Ok so maybe the Ramen was an exaggeration. A turn out Ramen makes killer salty noodles, but they are free of charge when it comes to what sent me to the hospital…
In July 2004, the start of my middle school year, I was diagnosed with a disease called Membranoproliferative glomerulonephritis (MPGN). Yea I know right.what?? The fuck is that? Believe you me, to this day, I still can’t pronounce it let alone explain it’s horrendous role in my body. From my doctors (and a little WebMD) I’ve conjured up the most watered down version of my crappy disease. I have a kidney disorder where the cells in the kidney become inflamed and allow blood and protein molecules to pass through into the urine instead of being retained in the body for use. I was put on medication after medication, which challenged me physically, emotionally, academically, and most important religiously.
At the onset, I was taking 18 tablets per day. The medicines made me listless and the steroids in particular caused me to gain weight. I’m talking swelling of my limbs, tightness of my skin and a weight gain of 15 pounds kind of weight. Emotionally, it wreaked havoc on my self-esteem. For months I only wore loose fitting clothes to hide the giant I was slowly becoming because of the steroids. The disease impacted my education because monthly (or anytime I felt dizzy), I had to miss classes for doctor’s appointments or even hospitalization.
I guess I can say High school proved productive and rewarding. I joined the cross-country and track teams that helped me to shed the excess pounds and to gain control over my weight. To this day I cherish running any chance I get, just to ensure I don’t slip into the blimp figure I once was.
I could say that my life is normal and that MPGN is no longer a factor. I could say life is great and enjoyable but it would be untrue. I am reminded of it by the now, nine pills that I take every day. If I bend or stand too quickly, I feel light-headed and must take a few minutes to recover. Oh and the worst, you know those salt and vinegar chips? Yes I know you know, the UTZ flavored bags of joy? Yea I can’t eat those. So much for those killer Ramen huh? Actually, I can’t eat staple kid’s foods like chips, French fries, cold cuts or anything with high sodium. The salt will cause me to retain water and to increase my blood pressure, which is already elevated due to that long M-word disease.
Now I could babble and ramble on how screwed up I am and how much I wish I could start over, a new slate, new body, new life, the works. But it wouldn’t change a thing. You know what they say, if “wishes were horses, beggars would surely ride…” What has really been on my mind is the role religion has played in my life after I found out about my disease.
See I grew up in Church. I mean eat, spit, write and read kind of Church. My dad—oh you’ll love this—is a pastor. Yea so parties, those cute sweet sixteens in High School, boyfriends, a life? Um, yea no. Completely non-existent in my house until your at least of age. Yet no matter how many times I’ve gone over the answer in my head, I’m still dissatisfied. When I was in the hospital, with a tube escaping every opening…I asked him, “Daddy, why does God want me to die? Can’t he just tell me why he hates me so much?” His answer was a typical Tyler Perry cliché, “God is not trying to kill you. And remember, he would never put you through anything you can’t handle”.
But see this is my problem. Because guess what… this, this I can’t handle. I could handle the accident you put my mom and I in, 2003, I could handle breaking my arm, I even handled my grandmother’s death—quite well if I can add–. But this, is too hard. Every morning when I shove four pills in my mouth (for blood pressure, protein calcium and who knows what else) I talk to him.
Now I’m not going to deny the presence of a higher being. I surely believe in God. I’m just so lost on his reasons for picking me. The Christian God is said to be “omnipotent, omniscient and wholly good”. But from the day we learn to read and write, we are able to distinguish good from evil. More importantly, we are able to realize that the amounts of evil in the world hold a stronger presence than the amounts of good. Things like Haiti’s earthquake in 2010 or even New Orleans’ disastrous hurricane in 2005 cause me to question my own faith. MPGN is a chronic disease with no known cure. It is not hereditary or caused by anything specific. It just appeared, out of nowhere, that summer before I started middle school. I can either outgrow it, or in its degenerative state, I will need kidney dialysis or a kidney transplant. This means I have no timeline of what my life will entail. I just long for a little more information. I am well aware of the delicacy of life but many times I simply wonder if God is on vacation in the Caymans somewhere when certain events occur. People like my dad would like to clench on the Soul-making defense that God has good rewards for us in a distinctive afterlife. Now if this is true, why torture us so much on Earth? To the starvation in third-world countries to the newborn baby born into the world with Down syndrome to even murders that happen everyday. If this is what I have to experience on Earth, then quite frankly, I’m not too sure I want to go to Heaven. I know any individual can easily identify a time period in their life where they lost hope, confidence and faith in what people call God. If God were truly trying to show his creation that they are enduring pain to experience joy in the afterlife, there is no reason for the pain to be so vast.
MPGN has ignited my rising doubts in my religion. It’s made me asked many “why” questions now that I’ve grown older. Church and religion were things that I accepted to past time on Sundays. But now, that I’m older, and an evil has hit me personally, my faith, sad to say, slowly dwindles. When I greet Kereece with a crooked smile every Sunday, I can finally understand her anger. She’s already had her kidney transplant but her daily life is almost worst than when she had her own kidney. Her questions in Church, to my father spark questions in my own mind. If God is such a good God, there is quite a lot of fixing that need to be done in his world.
I am ever mindful that life is subject to change without notice so every day is precious to me. I live my life to the fullest by participating in as many activities as I can and generating smiles anywhere I go. I surely don’t want to become a spit-image clone of Kereece in the latter years of my life. But forthrightly, I can now understand her. Through this condition, I have become even more positive and determined. But when it comes to religion and God’s hand on my life…boy do I have a few questions. Matter fact I’m sure, me Kereece and the rest of the world have a few questions.
I enjoyed this read, and as a child who was made to go to many churches when I was younger, I relate to you. Interestingly enough, you speak about good and evil and I noticed certain themes that actually seem influenced by your religious upbringing; this can allow a reader to get to know you on a personal level, so I think it’s one of those unintentional but useful things we do. There’s a good flow to this and I love the comparison between you and Kereece. It’s as though you were not writing about yourself but someone else from the first person perspective. Good job.
I really like your story. I can relate to it since I am someone who lost faith also. I know my praise is entirely subjective and I’m not really giving you much aide in ways to improve your writing and grammar, but still I believe as a reader, I should let you the author know when I agree with your opinions in the text.
I think you’d like this quote from the Greek philosopher Epicurus:
“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?”
I believe that sums up your criticisms of God quote well. There is also a quote found carved into the wall of a concentration camp by a Jewish prisoner that said:
“If there is a God, he will have to beg me for my forgiveness.”
Feel free to incorporate these into your writing if they work somehow.
There were a few typos in the piece, but it was not distracting. I liked the voice of the piece, I was really able to get the impression of an innocent youngster suddenly being struck with the devastating and senseless news that she now has a mysterious and seemingly random disease- and of course wondering ‘why?’
The voice was very consistent and I loved the humor the narrator displayed at times. It was easy to cheer the narrator on and know where she was coming from.
I appreciated how the writer immediately establishes tension before the piece begins by the title, “Where are you God? It’s Nadya This Time Not Margaret” because it forces the reader to make associations that will connect the reader to the piece. I found it peculiar that the main character still maintains her belief in God because it sounds that she resents God. So, I was confused a bit if the main character really believed in God or if she believed in God out of respect for her parents. The voice of the speaker is comical, but serious at the same time. For example, she explains that she could die from Utz salt and vinegar potato chips and that she almost died from eating ramen noodles. Then, immediately she talks about her illness. The narrator reveals their personality to the reader by showing their character’s reaction when they are faced with adversity. For example, when the narrator learns that she has to take a bunch of medication and that she could die at any moment, she doesn’t become depressed and take her life, but keeps on chugging, which shows her audacious character.
I felt that the piece was a bit cliché because the narrator brings up certain questions that have been overused in society. So I would suggest that the narrator interweave another theme within the piece that forces the reader to read it over again. For example, the reader could talk about how she felt insecure about her own identity after her illness that is not so centered on religion. Overall, I enjoyed the imagery and information about the MPGN.
Good story, great ending.
This personal essay captures your personality through your humorous tone but that’s only layered over your fear of death and your doubt of faith. When you reveal your kidney disorder you convey it to the reader in a tone that doesn’t force sympathy for your plight which is great because the very nature of your disorder is implied. Instead you give us your thoughts. The thoughts you provide combined with the personal writing style pulls the reader into the piece and makes them know the narrator. The part about blaming Roman noddles for being hospitalized and then expressing how it’s not their fault, to only refer back to it when you explain you can’t eat salty foods was a creative approach.
This piece is less about your kidneys and more about your faith.
Introducing your conflict with faith later after explaining the ordeal with your kidneys provides the reader with context. Religion is a touchy subject but you do a great job at explaining your connection to it, the reason behind your conflict and then the conflict itself. This is a personal essay so your opinion can be expressed everywhere, but I like how you form your concern with faith through questions. You do put your thoughts in-between the lines but it’s doesn’t hammer it to the reader because their thinking about the questions you ask.
The part about not wanting to go to heaven I feel like It was a punch in the face to the reader to make them feel your plight, and I understand what you mean (I think) but when you make a statement like that in this piece I need more explanation. Do you not want to go to heaven because it will be like earth? Gods actions on earth don’t excuse the sanctuary that is heaven? Does his actions on earth make you lose faith so you lose faith in everything he has to offer. Many questions from that statement.
I believe that was written to make a point about your doubts but I’m not sure that statement was needed. It made the tone a lot stronger and brought the piece from someone questioning faith to someone criticizing it. If you made that a remark into a question, like: ” why would anyone want to go to heaven after what they experience on earth” then it places that frustration and doubt on the reader while identifying with your plight, and it fits better in the piece.
Who is Kereece? We don’t learn much about her or her anger. Explain what we’re supposed to understand about becoming a “spit-image clone” of her in depth. The reader cannot fully grasp how bad the repercussions of such an accusation is as of yet. Your voice surely has personality, and that was enjoyable. However, I’m not sure about constantly using the phrase “I’m talking” in order to elaborate on certain points. If you want to make the focus on your faith, you can even elaborate on how it sounds like you didn’t have real faith in the first place. That’s what these specific doubts seem to imply. Perhaps you can discuss more about the emotional aspects of your kidney disease, and interweave this into how you it affected you spiritually. I second Sergio’s comment about the questions the narrator had; I think this story wants to be more personal, especially because the kidney disease was shared. If this is the case, it would much better to discuss all the specifics that caused the narrator to realize that her faith was not real.
Give more explanation about why you don’t want to go to heaven. Also I found the piece to be humorous especially the part about the Ramon noodle soup. I like how you explained your kidney disorder as well, the reader didn’t take a side of sympathy. I like the optimism at the end, you can also any outside references which give you motivation about living life to the fullest. Good piece, I enjoyed reading it. It brings it many questions about Religions.
I appreciated your optimism despite your disease. As you builded on the suspense of your story, I understood why you questioned your faith and I thought making Kereece apart of your story was very important despite you disclosing so little about her. There were some grammatical errors. I wish you gave more examples of instances your disease effected you since it’s the main reason why you questioned your beliefs.
i think that there is so much more that you can explain with how your disease and your belief of god correlate. The reasons you gave we’ve heard time and time again, famine, starvation, etc i think you could go deeper with your thoughts and your disease rather than use cliches.
i think informal writing is great and entertaining but at times its a little TOO informal, which really takes away with you’re trying to say, and sometimes in a story like this, taking a bit more of a formal approach is better.
you could go so much deeper, making it more complex with your connections of god, death, your disease
because i wasnt really convinced that you really question god.
whats a typical Tyler Perry cliché?
the description of the lady in the beginning, what was the purpose of that? and the quick transition to the dizziness felt a bit awkward.
you through me off with the dashes and grammar at times
good story.
Great piece. The narrator’s voice is very playful around the condition yet serious about the idea of God. It seems as if the narrator is blaming God for the events that are unfolding on the world as if a superhero didn’t come to rescue an individual. Perhaps there can be a more indepth sense of the narrator’s raw emotions. I feel like there should be a real vivid depiction of your feelings about these two serious factors in your life.
Great piece. I can relate to this piece because I myself have to chug down tons of medication. I would of like to see a bit more of how did this disease affect your life and what did you do? This piece brings up many questions I have been asking myself because I have also questioned my faith. Overall i believe your piece was very good.
Where are you God? It’s Nadya This Time Not Margaret
I really enjoyed reading your piece. Through the voice of the narrator I was able to understand the emotions. The tone of voice was frustration and resentment to why would that be occurring to you.
People have different believes of religion, some believes in a greater power or none at all. Through you tone of voice I feel as if you are shaky about your believes. I understand the way you feel because in the worst times people tend to doubt. I enjoyed your story good job.
I like the tone of your paper, it lightens the mood. The paper has a way of taking me back in time. This paper made me more appreciative of my life and my health. I would like to know more about your relationships with your parents. I would like to know more about your relationship with god.
Having MPGN and needing to take meds and following the right diet or else having to go through a kidney transplant is a very unfortunate thing. It’s the cards you were dealt. Some people are dealt a grand hand. Four of a kind and a single that seems ever so sparkling, even if it’s a 3. A straight flush. No. A ROYAL FLUSH. What’re you gonna do? What can anyone do? Then there are people with the shittiest hand possible but bluff the shit out of the adversary, the one we call life. Good for them. I think that the author wrote the story to channel her frustration towards life. She wants her readers to feel sympathy for her. However, one key point is that the author keeps asserting her informal opinion every other sentence, making it difficult to follow.
I enjoyed the narrator’s voice tone in this piece, very humorous although it is somehat of a sad story. I think the narrator does a great job at setting the voice tone when questioning God’s existence and describing their disease”I am well aware of the delicacy of life but many times I simply wonder if God is on vacation in the Caymans somewhere when certain events occur.” and “try to speak but they’re tubes everywhere: an oral, a naso-gastric, a urine catheter and a ventilator. I’m talking places I didn’t even know tubes could go in. I’m told that I had been in a coma for almost two days. Jesus Christ, I think in my head, Ramen can do this to people? ”
I wanted to learn more about the father especially when he is a pastor. He comes off as taking this disease too lightly, his respons “God is not trying to kill you. And remember, he would never put you through anything you can’t handle” makes me wonder is he really the narrators dad. That is something a pastor would say to a parish member and not to their own dauther. Perhaps describe the fathers background in a paragraph and connect it to the presence.
Very nice title. I liked the nod to the Judy Blume novel ‘Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret.” But I definitely related it more to the Chelsea Handler book of a similar name. However, I do not know if it was intentional for the author to change it up a bit,from the original, so I cannot be too certain if it was a good move.
The examples that you gave, about your relationship to God and church, was nicely put and had a purpose in the piece. It felt very casual and was an easy read. I felt a little confused about the Kereece person, and it could have used a little bit more of an explanation, especially since it was a rather important part in the conclusion.
I think you showed time well in between the first and second paragraphs. You not only surprised the reader, but it was a great example of just how scary and sudden MPGN could be. I thought the “this, this I can’t handle,” was the moment where I really connected to the author. The entire piece reads like a casual conversation, but that line was like a whispered confession and very emotional. You mention how your disease has affected your views on religion, but I would like to know more about how your shifting views of god have changed your views about yourself. Do you see yourself differently, your father? You briefly elude to this, but I would like to see it expanded. Great story.
I loved the narrative voice in this piece. It was almost conversational when you said:
Yea I know right.what?? The fuck is that? Believe you me, to this day, I still can’t pronounce it let alone explain it’s horrendous role in my body.
Also, when you said parties, boyfriends “Um. no”. This was humorous, and it allowed the reader to enter your world. I loved how you described the correlation between your disease and your religion:
I was put on medication after medication, which challenged me physically, emotionally, academically, and most important religiously.
The entire piece seemed to be you contemplating the role of God in your life, which is VERY relatable because we all go through this. You tied this all in well by mentioning the church/ religion in the beginning, middle and end of your piece. You seem to come to terms with your disease, and the uncertainty of life that you have to live with. I love your conclusion because you mention that you want to take full advantage of your life – you seem to conquer your problems with religion and your disease to the best of your ability.
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