As soon as she heard the intercom buzz, she rushed to finish setting everything up, then she quickly ran to the bathroom to check her reflection in the mirror to see if her hair and makeup were still intact. She stood five feet, seven inches tall. Her curvaceous medium weight body was tightly wrapped in a colorful shear body wrap with only a beige brassiere and a pink and purple colored thong underneath.

She opened the medicine cabinet and reached for her glittery Sephora lip gloss. She proceeded to put a light coat of the gloss on her perfect shaped plump lips to give them a radiant shine and a shimmer.

The intercom buzzed again, and as soon as she heard it, she placed the gloss back into the cabinet and made her way to the front room of the apartment where the intercom was situated. She buzzed the downstairs door, then jetted back to the bathroom to take one last glance in the mirror. Just as she stepped foot out of the bathroom, the front doorbell rang. She took a deep breath and slowly released it.

 “Here we go,” she said to herself in a quiet tone as she tiptoed towards the front door. She slipped on her black five-inch stiletto heels, which were positioned a few feet away from the door, right before taking a look through the peephole. It was him. She opened the door.

“Hi,” she said as she gestured for him to enter the apartment.

 “Hey,” he replied in a seemingly nervous manner. She closed the door behind him, and then locked it before leading him towards the back of the apartment to the bedroom closest to the bathroom.

He was much taller than she thought, and he looked even better in person. He stood six feet, two inches tall, and had a medium muscular build. He wore an oversized long-sleeved black Ralph Lauren Polo t-shirt, a pair of baggy blue jeans, black and white Air Jordan sneakers, and a black fitted cap with the letters “LA” in white. She thought him to be sexy and just what she needed for the night. She began to think that he could be a potential boyfriend. She barely knew the guy and she already was falling for him because he turned her on immensely. While she fantasized, she began to get turned on.

“How you doing?” she asked.

“Better now that I’m here,” he responded.

 She giggled then looked up into his eyes and said, “Same here.”

“So what’s up with all that kid stuff out there? This a daycare or something?”

“Yea, this is my moms place. I just stay here for now.”

“She isn’t coming anytime soon, is she?”

“No, she lives in New Jersey.” She smiles.

“Oh okay, good. So you stay here by yourself?”

“Yup, just me, myself, and these four walls,” she said. She instantly thought of why being alone was so important to him. She knew he was a discreet guy, but did he want her there alone for another reason? She thought of where she had placed her pepper spray, just incase of an emergency, then she resumed her engagement.

“Relax, make yourself at home,” she reassured him.

He began to take off his sneakers and blue jeans. He stopped for a second, then reached into his pocket. He pulled out a wad of cash and said, “I almost forgot.” He pulled apart five 20 dollar bills and set them on the dresser top.

“I’ll be right back,” she said before making her way to the room door. She smiled from ear to ear while closing the door behind her, and then stepping next door into the bathroom. She closed the door behind her, then proceeded above the toilet to pass the translucent liquid from her body to the commode. Her body tingled a bit and she got a sense of chill that ran through her body. She was ready. She cleaned her genital area with toilet paper, and then washed her hands with antibacterial soap before returning to the bedroom.

At this point he was lying on her bed completely naked. He had the body of Hercules and the dick of a horse. She felt that tingle come over her body again. She glanced at the money on top of the dresser and thought about counting it, but she looked back over at him stroking his member and rejected the thought of the money. She untied her colorful body wrap as he watched it dropped to the floor. His eyes lit up and his member grew larger. She stepped out of the thong while smiling at him and gazing into his eyes. She then unstrapped her bra to reveal her developing perky breasts. He watched the entire scene unfold while grinning slyly and biting his lips.

The scene to follow revealed her sexual talents and raging passion to be loved. The young black sex machine gave himself to her and made her feel like a woman. After 42 minutes, he climaxed and shouted, “Damn baby, that was amazing!” She smiled then got out of the bed to make her way to the bathroom. She spat into the sink, rinsed her mouth out, then hopped into the shower for about five minutes. When she had finished, she returned to the bedroom to find her companion fast asleep. She eased onto the bed and pulled the covers over her naked body. She laid her head on his chest and let out a quiet sigh. She closed her eyes in an attempt to join him in sleep.

She couldn’t sleep. It was silent and the room was dark. With her head still on his chest, she began to think, and as she thought, she began to get emotional. She was lonely inside and she knew that this comfort of a male companion in her bed was only temporary, and that once he was gone, she would be there all alone, in the silent darkness of the apartment. She hoped he would stay the night, so that she wouldn’t have to be alone for another night. She wept hopelessly, and gasped for air from time to time. Her tears ran down his abdomen. He slept too deeply to come to her rescue, and she didn’t want to disturb him. She longed for permanent companionship from a guy like him. From someone who she thought loved her and would accept her for the special girl she was. She was blind to the fact that these men only thought of her as a fantasy, a “try me” product. She thought these men loved her but each time when they would leave her to the emptiness and loneliness of the dark and quiet apartment, she felt that pain of loneliness all over again.

Previously, she had been dealing with lots of things in her life that forced her into a state of depression. She had lost her job three months ago, and she noticed that her family started to treat her differently around the time that her name change was final. Her mom did, however, allow her to remain in the apartment. She thought of the apartment as a prison, a place where she had no choice but to reside under the reign of her authoritative mother who began to treat her worse and worse. She wished that her mother wasn’t too far-gone when she went to inquire about the abortion she was to have with her, but she knew that for some reason she had a purpose to be here. She worked only over night once the daycare was closed for the evening, and she kept her work a secret.

As she cried, she thought of how depressed she was and how badly she missed her family. All she ever wanted was to be loved and respected, but she felt love and sympathy from no one. She was weak and lost. Since her life took a drastic change, she knew she could only depend upon herself to get out of the rut she had fallen into.

She wanted to feel that love and consideration so badly that she often invited men to her bed free of charge, just so she could feel that warm satisfaction of male companionship. The root of her desire not only came from her family’s rejection, but also from the fact that she never had a boyfriend growing up. She spent her early years living life as someone else, which was just a character that she played to prevent herself from dealing with societal bullying. She used to be a he, and the life that she lived was a life of hiding her feelings and pretending to be someone she was not. She was afraid even though some people knew her true agenda. She hated herself because she tried to hide the very person who she was destined to become. She became scared of boys in her teens. She knew it wasn’t right for her to like boys and because she did, she tried to limit her male interaction as much as possible to prevent herself from falling in love or being exposed.

The young client stirred a little bit, which broke her chain of thought. He turned to his side with his back facing her. She knew his mission was accomplished, and she got out of the bed and walked towards the living room. She made her way to the slightly ajar window in the left hand corner of the living room and stared aimlessly into the night.

Moments later, she collapsed to the floor and wept heavily. She was so confused and didn’t want to live the life she was living anymore. She hated having to sleep with men for money, but she loved the companionship of some of her more attractive clients. Many of her clients were weird and dirty, but she knew she had to deal with it if she wanted to have money in her pockets. She always feared being murdered by one of her clients. In the past she tried to look for another job so that she wouldn’t have to continue selling her body but she failed at finding work. Employers could see right through to her soul and turned her away each time. They knew what she was, they knew she wasn’t a “real” woman. She gave up hope and often felt like an outcast, or a lonely waste of life. The only comfort she received from people was from her some of her clients. She was a fool for love, a hopeless romantic, an individual who was lost and lonely in the world. She sought to find love and appreciation from the people in the world, but she knew she had been looking in all the wrong places.

The moment I died, was the moment I began to live. A reincarnation or maybe perhaps a metamorphosis of some kind. I still wonder how this rebirth came about, yet I have come to realize that it was a destined manifestation. My reincarnation occurred in February of 2012. There was no funeral although there were many tears shed and feelings of sudden sorrow and hurt. There was no celebration of life anew either unfortunately, but I already figured that there wouldn’t have been one. That day, for the first time ever, my spirit had joined in holy matrimony with my evolving physicality. It was similar to the emergence of a butterfly from a cocoon. I was now completely one; mind, body, and soul. I became a special girl, much different from other girls.

Living day to day in a world, a place, a society became uneasy for me being that I belonged to a certain species of women, transgender women. Although self-content, I felt like an alien in the world around me. Like a mutant from the X-men series, I was special, but I was ashamed of myself. Even though I felt complete, I had trouble accepting myself as a special girl. I was living with fear in a close-minded world. I was a witch during the Salem Witch Trials; a Jew during the Holocaust. I was a strange yet special girl; strange in the sense that I was not the same as most girls, and special because I had a special physicality which was slowly evolving. I belonged to a class of special women, yet the world saw us in a different light. Most people don’t understand my kind due to the prejudices media and society have forced upon them. Among those people were my parents. My mom distanced herself from me for three months; my father, well, he was in Trinidad at the time, and he didn’t care to acknowledge me at all. Who am I? What am I? Why am I? I often feel that I’ve been banished to a cold and lonely world where I am all by myself. In the real world I am a penny on the ground, someone who has little to no worth. In the streets, I am spit at like a peasant or like the ground itself. I am publicly degraded like a worthless inhuman object. People call me “a man,” “a nigga,” “a tranny,” “a transvestite,” etc. Most of the time people can’t tell that I am a woman of transgender experience, unless they find me attractive and try to see through to my soul.

I have come to learn my place in society as an individual belonging to a species of cursed women. Women who desire to belong and matter and live normal lives. Women who wish to blend into humankind. To pass. Although many of us do indeed pass, myself included (for the most part), passing has its own complications. Passing is like being in the closet. I often find myself trying to hide my trans identity in order to eliminate being the center of negative attention and to protect myself physically and emotionally. I am afraid to leave home if my hair or makeup isn’t up to par or if I am wearing clothes that accentuate the wrong parts of my body.

I have often felt cursed; never to find true love, or have a family like my sisters. Never able to find stable employment or fit comfortably into society. Passing may defer these things for some time, but the problems never seem to go away. And because of this I am forever internally oppressed. Love and family does exist for some, however, it is rare indeed unless these things are established pre-transition. Although my species of women include straight, bisexual, and lesbian women, I feel attraction towards men only. They are my weakness. I have a misconception of love. I fall in love very quickly because I never had unconditional love. Men charm me with their words easily and steal my heart under false pretenses. They use me physically and abuse me emotionally. In the daytime they ridicule me, and by nightfall they hypnotize me like an incubus and inhabit my flesh. We are often over sexualized and thought to trick men into sleeping with us, but the truth is we search for unconditional love in private and in public alike. We share our secrets with them before laying with them, or else it would be like committing suicide. They pretend to be disgusted with us in public, but in private we become their mistresses, sort of like an inter-racial relationship in the Jim Crow south. I often fall prey to their incubus-like nature. They are demons in disguise with a purpose to annihilate  women by preying on their emotionality, something I would never want to be. Internally, I’m just like any other girl. Our spirits unite into a sisterly bond. Yet, my existence is dual by nature, but seen as unnatural in the eyes of the ignorant.

I learned that no one understands me as much as I understand myself, and therefore I choose to walk alone. Apart from family, apart from friends, apart from the world. I live with my spirit now, and I’ve come to accept the lack of love and consideration I receive from mankind. I am learning to control my emotions and to shield myself from emotional harm. I’ve learned that even though I am different, I am me. Every individual has their differences, a certain uniqueness that complements who they are as people. Some are forced to hide and feel shame of their differences; others embrace their differences gladly. Ultimately society dictates one’s place in the world. Or does it? Either way, I am beginning to feel that I am not cursed after all. I am, rather, divine; godlike to possess a dual nature. Living as a boy for 21 years with the mind of a girl for 23 years has given me the complete power of yin and yang. Although I am a different, yet special girl, I can proudly say that I have had both worlds in the palm of my hands.