Although tempted, both by desire and necessity, I could never find the guts to steal anything. My sister on the other hand, well let’s just say she’s much more daring than I am. We should have seen it coming; from a very young age, Andrea was always the mischievous one and constantly found herself in sticky situations, literally. I say this because one day when she was six, Andrea thought it was a good idea to open up a bottle of glue and rub it in her hair during Art class in school. And who can forget when Andrea decided to cut her own hair–“Mom Stephanie is so annoying! She’s always copying everything I do”. This was her response when my mom questioned her about why she decided to go all Paul Mitchell on her hair. Now, I know some may say that’s just kids being kids, but we all know Andrea is rather unique. Then there was the time she convinced Daniela, my youngest sister, to stick her to the wall using duck tape because she saw the guys from Jackass do it and therefore wanted to try it; So much for the disclaimer no one cares to consider.
At the young age of thirteen– you know that age where you have the entire world figured out and your parents can’t seem to bud out of your life, Andrea allowed her guilt along with peer pressure to force her into making one of the many mistakes of her teen years. I say one because just like any other kid, Andrea would continue on to making some pretty dumb decisions, but this one in particular was on another level. It was a usual Monday afternoon; I got home from another grueling day at school which was exceptionally grueling that day specifically because I took a Math test that I didn’t necessarily study for. I did the usual skimming of my notes and I knew that it hadn’t helped me in passing this test—Maybe if I look through my notes right before the test, I’ll be able to remember the information better; what was I thinking? That day, I looked forward to nothing more than to just get home and relax considering it was Friday evening, the prelude to the weekend which was my favorite days of the week. I’m sure many others share the same excitement I have for the weekend.
That night, dinner was being prepared by Daniela, whose personality is very similar to my own, in the sense that she always thinks twice, even three times about the decisions she makes. Some may think this is a sign of having no confidence, but I think of it as a preventative measure that avoids unnecessary trouble. “Gaby, you know what this girl in my class did, she broke the teacher’s pencil on purpose because she said that the teacher mad her mad. She’s so stupid.” These were the kind of things Daniela would tell me when I asked her how her school day was. She was always observing people, very rarely saying much, but one must wonder what lay in this girl’s thoughts. She would never find herself in some of the predicaments Andrea has been in. Daniela has always been the “quiet one, little angel, sweetheart,” and all the other cute and adorable pet names you would attach to a person who doesn’t talk much and smiles all the time. Although Andrea and Daniela are only a year apart, their personalities are at opposite ends of the spectrum, and that makes for a lot of arguing and fighting in our house.
As we prepped the table and listened to “Caso Cerrado”, the Spanish version of Judge Judy, which my mom cannot miss a single episode of, a phone call interrupted the commencement of our dinner. After being on the phone for about five minutes, my mom broke into tears and I couldn’t help but to think what minor situation was causing her to cry again. See, my mom is what you would call a “crier”. She will break out into full-blown tears over the most minimal situation such as over cooking pasta or loosing a game of Tetris. It turned out this time; the tears were legitimized due to the circumstance at hand. What snaps a teenager back to reality and forces her to reconsider some of her actions? The answer is to almost go to jail for stealing a cheap pair of earrings. This of course was the reasoning behind my mom’s unstoppable crying and all the traumatic hoopla that followed.
According to Andrea, her best friend and her were at the mall doing some window shopping due to the fact that they were both thirteen and still “too young” to get a job and be able to afford things any other teenager would like to possess. The girls stumbled upon the tween jewelry store Claire’s and decided to walk in. Among the rows of shiny jewelry, Melissa spotted the sliver pair of hoop earrings she had been eyeballing for weeks now. Andrea claimed that Melissa begged her to grab the pair of earrings for her. “Andrea please, please, please just hold them for me. I really want them and Ricky loves hoop earrings.” This was Melissa’s reasoning behind wanting the earrings. To impress a boy, sounds cliché but girls really do whatever it takes to impress their crushes. Seeing as how Melissa was her best friend and partner in crime, Andrea definitely didn’t want to disappoint, so she decided to take the earrings and put them in her pocket. “I was so nervous and I knew had a bad feeling about it but whatever they were already in my pocket. I couldn’t do anything about it”, Andrea told me.
They roamed around the store trying to act natural, but there was no use because the security guard saw the whole thing go down. As the girls were making their way out of the store, the guard stopped them both and asked them to clear their pockets. Allegedly, the two of them stood there like a couple of statues. After asking a second time, the two of them snapped out of it and challenged the security guard, claiming they didn’t have anything in their pockets. A couple of minutes of back and forth later, Andrea finally admitted to having the pair of sterling silver hoop earrings in her pocket. She gave it to the guard and both of them were escorted to a holding room in the basement of Queens Center Mall. The whole cab ride to the mall my mom was inconsolable, asking rhetorical questions such as “What did I do to deserve this?” or “Why me?” I couldn’t help but to giggle because although it was a serious situation, once again her reaction was way out of proportion. It was as if someone had died; she was crying so hard at one point, she made herself choke on her own saliva by accident. Daniela just sat next to me, observing my Mom and yet again, not giving any input on what was happening. “Andrea is so stupid.” That was her only reaction to the situation, which was actually her usual response when she notices that someone has done something she disapproves of. We arrived at the mall and ran over to customer service, explained our situation, and asked how to get to the holding room were the two criminals, Andrea and Melissa, were. This all sounds like a smooth process on paper, but the reality was that it was much more complicated than that. First of all, the customer service lady, who by the way was totally in the wrong profession because of her lack of patience which one would think is an essential quality to possess when in the business of helping customers, hence customer service, took what seemed like forever to understand what we wanted. “Uh mam, you gonna need to slow down and clearly tell me what you want from me.” On the one hand, I could understand her confusion because my mom was still getting over her tears, which made it a little hard for anyone to understand her, but after the fifth time of explaining ourselves, it became evident that this woman was absolutely incompetent to her duties.
Upon arriving to holding room, Andrea was unrecognizable. Her face was filled with tears and snot, which was a rare sight considering Andrea had a pretty tough demeanor and almost never cried. She had the look of embarrassment and shame all over her face, and I knew she was sorry even before opening her mouth and explaining herself. After hours of paperwork and a lot of uncomfortable silence waiting for paperwork to go through, we were all allowed to leave, including the two perps who cause this entire ordeal. It goes without saying that after a $150 fine and months of embarrassment from people on our block who had somehow found out about the shoplifting incident, Andrea never shoplifted again. Well, let me rephrase that, so far as we know she hasn’t had sticky fingers.
Great piece.
Your narrative flows well and the smooth pacing of your story is very enjoyable. I like the innocence (or lack there of) and sense of youth in your story. The diction and voice of the piece match. From the very beginning, you hint to the reader that Andrea is going to get herself into trouble and the knowing that information, it becomes a fun ride trying to figure out when and where it is going to be. You do a great job characterizing the people in the narrative as well. Your descriptions with vivid imagery does well. I liked reading about Andrea with glue all over her hair, your mother crying so much she would choke on her own saliva and also loving “Caso Cerrado” (my mom loves that too) and Daniela always being the “quiet one, little angel, sweetheart;” all are great details that establish the characters and make this reading fun
I like how the first sentence of the story really drags the reader into the story by the collar. It links the reader directly with the proceeding circumstances. I also admired the cleverness of the last sentence, where it almost remits the all the consequences of shoplifting for Andrea. The thick of the story is full of flesh and quality descriptions of Andrea, your other sisters and the rest of your family. However a little more suspense is preferred in the story as the title gave too much away. Other than that, good job Gabriela.
After reading your story I enjoyed that you used a lot of details to express your emotion in order to induce the reader to have the same emotions. With the details you gave I was able to imagine your mother cry in the cab. I like how you make that moment funny and not all melancholy. I enjoyed your piece a lot.
This is a good piece. I enjoyed how you wrote this piece in a vivid way, it makes it easier for the reader to picture the whole story. I think this piece could be better if you didn’t give away that your sister was the “troubled one” already in the start, because that would leave space for the reader to interpret their own idea. Overall it is a great piece.
I think you were too focused on Daniela, and that drew attention away from Andrea. If Daniela was being used as a subject of comparison, then still give more details about Andrea more when you make the comparisons.
“At the young age of thirteen–you know that age where you have the entire world figured out and your parents can’t seen to butt out of your life, Andrea allowed her guilt along with peer pressure to force her into making one of the many mistakes of her teen years.” That entire part about “you know that age where you have the entire world figured out and your parents can’t seen to butt out of your life” is an idea that could really be expanded on. Write more about what being thirteen is all about. For a stronger impact, bring this into another sentence by itself so a reader can focus separately on both Andrea at thirteen and on being thirteen.
In the last paragraph, you write, “Her face was filled with tears and snot, which was a rare sight considering Andrea had a pretty tough demeanor and almost never cried.” The second part about it being a rare sight considering her demeanor I think did not have to be there if you had given us more about the kind of person Andrea was before that paragraph, so we could have felt what you had in that moment, instead of trying to grasp an idea of it here.
I liked this piece of memoir about your sister, and it reveals that it was a pretty unforgettable experience for you as a younger sister. Work on showing us more of who Andrea is, and the impact will be even greater. Nice work.
After reading this piece, I had a greater appreciation for the narrator’s intentional literary frame because the beginning and ending related back to the Andrea’s rebellious behavior, which added another level of complexity to the piece. I found it remarkable that the narrator began the piece with the statement, “Although tempted, both by desire and necessity, I could never find the guts to steal anything” because it explains the writers point of view throughout the piece to the reader. In this line we can understand how different the narrator is compared to Andrea’s character and also it acts as a hook to grab the reader’s attention.
The story was well-paced, which keep the reader engrossed because each scene was described in great detail. For instance, “They roamed around the store trying to act natural, but there was no use because the security guard saw the whole thing go down. As the girls were making their way out of the store, the guard stopped them both and asked them to clear their pockets.” I felt that the writer described the innocence of the characters vividly in this scene because it capture a universal experience that many people can imagine regardless where the scene takes place. In addition, the development of each character was well-executed because at the end of the story the reader is left with an eagerness to find out more about Andrea.
I would suggest that the author try describing Andrea’s friend Melissa earlier in the piece because she was an accomplice to the crime, but the reader is never given any unique information about her before her name appears at the ending. Also, I would suggest that the writer make the second paragraph more concise because it has unnecessary information that slows down the momentum of the piece. Overall, I enjoyed the piece.
While reading your entry, I noticed that
the scene where someone opening up a bottle
of glue and rubbing it in his/her hair is something
I have seen on T.V. your piece is quiete humorous.
The writer is well aware of his youth especially
when the writer states, “you know that age where you have the entire world figured
out and your parents can’t seem to bud out of your life.”
I liked how you labeled your characters, for example, your mom
a “crier” and Andrea a trouble maker.
I wish you gave us more information about Andrea’s
youth for example although we know she is a trouble maker with intention
why did she become embarrassed for her acts?
Also I would want to see you expand on you as well,
you began with ” I could never find the guts to steal anything.”
and spoke highly about your sister instead.
I thought this was a good piece. I like the way that between the title and the first paragraph I had no idea where it was going to go. I thought it was going to be about theft but then you started mentioning other things that your sister did and I started to wonder if I had jumped to conclusions. I do wish that you had focused more on yourself and Andrea more than your mother and Daniela. The most interesting part, to me, was when you describe Andrea, her face full of tears and snot, being an unusual sight. I feel that you could emphasize this point by telling us or showing us more of her personality in the beginning, more than just on the level of, she’s a trouble maker.
You’re piece is quite fluid.
In beginning just the introduction , I found my-self wondering if I
really truly had a sister named Andrea who shoplifted in the past!
The way you presented the background info on your family helped me
to slide into the shoes of you and your sister alike. I almost said aloud, “what
did Andrea do now?”, as if she were my own sister.
My only criticism is in the way you linguistically presented your piece.
Uniquely, you switched tenses a lot which helped the piece but in some paragraphs
made it confusing. I would say, maybe have another person read it aloud and you’ll hear
the small tense flaws. Other than that, great piece.
I found this to be a very good piece.
Good use of imagery and descriptions.
I like how you started the piece but I would’ve prefer for you not to give Andrea’s character away for example when I read the beginning “Although tempted, both by desire and necessity, I could never find the guts to steal anything. My sister on the other hand, well let’s just say she’s much more daring than I am. We should have seen it coming; from a very young age, Andrea was always the mischievous one and constantly found herself in sticky situations, literally” I knew that something was going to happen maybe you could have given us a little bit more suspense.
I thought this part of your piece was funny because I myself cut my hair and it was a total mess “Andrea thought it was a good idea to open up a bottle of glue and rub it in her hair during Art class in school. And who can forget when Andrea decided to cut her own hair”
I really enjoyed your piece. The details about your mother were priceless and I quite love that she is exaggerated since it adds more drama to the piece. I would have liked for your two sisters to have been compared in the beginning with details about how you fit in between them as contrast. It’s interesting that in a house full of women each personality seems over the top: the snotty, impulsive one, the one that doesn’t care, the crybaby. But who were you? I would like to know a little more about you to better understand the dynamic if your family.
This was a great piece because the voice of the narrator was relatable and slightly comical. You developed great backstory about your family, however, I didn’t feel a great sense of Andrea being the main character due to the fact that you equally focused on your other sister’s instead of primarily focusing in on her throughout the majority of the piece. You focused on her alot but I would do it even more to develop a sense of her true unique nature.
You used great details in the piece but I felt like it took too long for you to finally get out the fact that Andrea stole something. I kept expecting it to come out but then you would describe something else. Perhaps you could develop this suspense in a different way. Perhaps you can leave readers out on the fact that she did something wrong because oncebyou tell us, we impatiently want to find out almost immediately.
i wish your piece showed more of your lesson learned or your personal change as oppose to your sister. if the piece is suppose to be about your sisters transformation i would like more details about your change in judgement or opinion of your sister. i like the informal tone of the piece its a nice balance of presenting itself as a spoken story with proper narrative structure. my critique of the writing comes in the second paragraph where you describe coming home and question yourself about writing down the math homework. i don’t think this description is important to the story. if the story was about you then i would pull my criticism and defend it as insight into you as a person and use his scene (combined with others) to follow your transformation to the end of the story. however the piece is less about you and more about your sister, so the extra details about you is unnecessary.
great story, the informal nature of this piece really set it apart from what weve read so far in class. Let me first say that i can relate to all of this, i have a spanish mom that watches caso cerrado religiously and is a “crier” – its a hispanic thing i guess
well these subtle references take on a whole level of complexity in your story, (that is if you understand them, but thats the point)
which is nice to have in an informal piece.
however being that the informal and entertaining voice of the story some sentences are a bit awkward.
” …Jackass do it and therefore wanted to try it” – i dont think therefore is necessary there
“the tears were legitimized due to the circumstance at hand” – this just seems formal in an informal piece and just sticks out to me
“it became evident that this woman was absolutely incompetent to her duties.”
well thats it, i know this is just very specific, but its because i dont have much other criticism, and i am trying not to be an asshole this week with my comments lol
the piece had a nice flow, and read very smoothly.
yolo
The descriptions of your sister, Andrea, are useful. I am not clear on who Stephanie is. I do not know if it is Monday afternoon or Friday night. It is easy to understand how your Mom felt. I would like to know more about your thoughts and Andrea’s feelings about what she did and the outcome. Your telling of the customer service lady was very relatable.
I have to agree that there’s a bit of confusion about Stephanie and Andrea.
At the end you mention that she hasn’t had “sticky fingers” again, “as far as we know.” I like that line. It’s sort of a “The End… or is it?” line at the end of a film that wants to leave you wondering. Did she learn her lesson? Will she go back to it? Does the ridicule actually reinforce negative behavior?
“Going Paul Mitchel on her hair” was a fantastic line and it created a strong introduction.
“At the young age of thirteen– you know that age where you have the entire world figured out and your parents can’t seem to bud out of your life” You have some really good lines in this piece.
Did you know that a person can refuse to go to a holding room, and if they force you to stay there it legally counts as kidnapping? Crazy, huh?
Lmao! Having never found myself in that situation I had no clue that was possible but it probably would’ve been useful for Andrea to know that at the time. Could’ve saved her and me a lot of hassle.
I feel like the mother has some ego issues. She didn’t do anything wrong but she gets all dramatic and says “Why me?” It’s not about her. It’s about her daughter who did something wrong… It just doesn’t make sense to me unless I consider that when a person makes someone else’s issue about themselves it’s an ego problem.
The storytelling in this piece was well organized and detailed. What it couldave used more delving into was your experience in this whole situation. It gave about an emotional response from the other characters, but coming from the author would definitely give this memoir a better idea of how the author felt or changed. Or didnt change, in that case.
I appreciated the Paul Mitchell reference. Even though I didnt know who he was, I googled him and giggled. It gave the story a little bit of humor.
I enjoyed this piece for the various details you included particularly your mother and her personality. It was personally relatable having a hispanic mother myself that was quite dramatic growing up. It was interesting to read how perceptive you were of your sister and the situations taking place in her lives. Im curious to know who Stephanie was and why you chose to mention her by name as oppose to refer to her a simply a friend. This piece was enjoyable to read. Good job.
I loved the narrative voice you used, and the characterization you used as well. After reading this, I got a great picture of a mom who’s over dramatic, a sister who’s quite irrational at times, another sister who’s slightly more rational, and then you a sane person who seems to be in the middle.
I agree with the above comment that i was a little* confused with your transitions between Daniela and Andrea, but altogether I understood the difference between the sisters. Since, “we need to criticize” each other’s work, I would evaluate the movement in your piece. I wonder, what conclusion did your narrator come to at the conclusion of the narrative when Daniela gets caught? What does this mean for your family?
Overall, I loved the piece, and your artistic style. 🙂