Twerk Twerk.

Daniel Song

Sitting at my computer screen I watched the awesome power of the twerking fumble that was Miley Cyrus’s performance a couple of weeks ago, for which she has still not stopped receiving press. Why though, did I decide to watch this? Because the link I saw said something about Miley Cyrus acting overtly naughty or some such idiocy that I just had to watch. The part of me that is a cross between an overly –zealous dog and a horny teenager just drooled at the prospect of one of disney’s little whores becoming more whore-ish. The part of me that is a grown adult pinched my nose in shame that a popular figure could get away with this. Is the whole MKULTRA mind control conspiracy true? Or is this truly a statement of the general stupidity of the human condition? Why do we are constantly eye-fed news about Disney girls screwing up? Perhaps it is of our ignorance instead.

I watched Miley twerk her little white ass off. I was shocked. The performance was so forced; it seemed like she was trying so hard to be a “bad girl.” I saw pictures of the reactions of other celebrities, and realized that their facial expressions really matched my own. The reaction of all four Smiths (Will, Jada, Jaden, and Willow) was nothing short of hilarious to me. They’re jaws were dropped but they have been very well trained in etiquette so they managed not to catch any flies. It was like their poker faces were trying to fight with their shocked faces.

I couldn’t help but wonder if the conspiracy theory about celebrity mind control Roseanne Barr is famous for having “come clean” about is true, especially where Disney is concerned. Moreover, I found myself asking the question “what the hell is up with these female ‘crash’ celebrities?” I swore that it must be a practice of the media to keep these celebrities popular by any means possible, and distract us from our real lives. After all, no publicity is bad publicity, or so I’ve heard.

I corrected my slouch in my chair and adjusted my computer so that I wouldn’t slouch as much before moving on to some other link. I honestly have no memory of what I looked at before or after Miley’s performance. Maybe there is something to that mind control thing, or maybe I’m just as ignorant as anybody else.

The next day after seeing this twerk failure, I saw Miley’s video for her song “We can’t stop.” I found it to be a bit sentimental. I dare say say, I actually liked it. Somewhere in my body, my testosterone was threatening to leave. I couldn’t blame it. Hell, I heard the song on the bus a couple of days ago and I was humming one of the lyrics, which she borrowed from an old school rap, in my head. This mind control stuff must be pretty effective.

On facebook, one of my friends posted a feature in a popular newspaper using a stick-thin model to show us how to twerk. The friend was upset about the same things I was; I must choose good company. First of all I hated how thin she was; when I feel like I can play someone’s ribs like a xylophone, it’s time for them to eat a sandwich. Second, and on this I disagreed with my friend, I had to disagree with people’s reaction to twerking. There are a lot of sexy dances out there, and this is just another one of them. I love seeing women bend over and jiggle their butts, and I cannot lie. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it. What I don’t like; however, is how everyone gives so much attention to the matter, which pretty much perpetuates what I believe is a media ploy to keep us from forgetting celebrities while we forget about ourselves. It’s the same principle as reality shows I realized. We watch shows like “JerseyShore” because these people are fucked up. It makes us feel better about ourselves, so we keep watching. Maybe we experience emotions of crap we don’t normally go through vicariously through these idiots. I’m not sure; I only watch reality cooking shows and Faceoff, which to me have some substance. I’m an artist who likes to cook.

I’ve come up with the theory that the media forcibly applies the whole “trainwreck” lifestyle to female performers, especially when they used to work for Disney. Just look at Brittany Spears, Lindsey Lohan, Amanda Bynes (I think she worked for Disney. If not, she might as well have) and now Miley Cyrus. I wondered if these ladies are in on the whole thing. For millions of dollars, I’d let everyone believe I was fucked up with no impulse control too.  The scariest thoughts, however, are: what if these ladies are not in on it? And why do Justin Timberlake and Ryan Gosling Junior never seem to make a mistake? What sort of message is being portrayed here?

A few days after my unromantic tryst with Miley Cyrus gossip, I saw a “Twerk Fail” video where a girl is upsidedown twerking on a door that someone happens to open. She falls down on a glass table and her leg catches fire because it hit a candle that was on top of it. A day or so later I find out it was a prank video created by late night TV show host Jimmy Kimmel. He releases the full clip of the video, with him coming out wearing the same pink shirt as the girl, and using a fire extinguisher on the girl’s leg. He then smiles at the camera.  I smiled back and laughed. I thought there was some hope left for us after all… except for a week or so later when I read about the fact that Kim Jong-un executed 12 people in an orchestra, one of them being his ex-girlfriend, while we were gawking at Miley being slutty. It almost seems like a blatant distraction, but it’s a damned obvious statement about the media and even where people like me direct our attention. At moment I could imagine some personified nerves in my brain reporting to my cerebellum in a military fashion: “Sir, we’ve lost the boner!” one of them says. The camera zooms in on a nerve wearing a bunch of medals with a face that looks like the Lorax. “Damn.” he swears.

“A South Korean Newspaper reported that this week North Korea’s communist dictator, Kim Jong-un, executed a dozen members of the Unhasu Orchestra – including Jong-un’s former girlfriend, singer Hyon Sung-wol – as their relatives and musicians from three other pop bands were forced to watch. Following the firing squad, the on-lookers were all sent to concentration camps.” This excerpt is written by author Rick Robinson in The Daily Caller.

Sigh.