It is all over the news! “They can merely not be held responsible for something they don’t understand”, was one statement said by an old lady at my office. A father was struck by a truck while crossing the country in memory of his son, who committed suicide because he was bullied in school.
Being different is sometimes a very cool and popular thing, while some are just born with it others chose that path of life style. However being different can be seen as something that is not acceptable by the norm. Growing up, the word cool was something I remember as the four golden letters because everyone I knew was trying to be cool and be seen by so many. Wearing the latest designer clothes and riding a cross bicycle to school was seen as something very cool and automatically put you in the center of coolness. Not only did I not wear the latest designer clothes but I did not have a bike because my parents couldn’t afford it. On top of that I was different for just being the only black girl in school.
I made it through the first day of school, and as expected Michelle, Sandra and Jenny were all dressed up looking like the model girls from the cover of H&M’s catalog collection. Being a little over a decade old my mama would pick out my outfit for school, although my brothers were given the liberty to choose their own outfits. They say that a boy will always be mommy’s little boy while a girl will be daddy’s little girl. That saying pretty much summarized my relationship with my mama. She always told me that girls at my age back in Eritrea cook and clean for the entire family. In other words if she was ever to take me with her to visit it would be an embarrassment. Living in Scandinavia and being around Scandinavian children is the main reason to why I am not the perfect daughter, according to her. Her focus and attention always went to my brothers, it seemed as if I was just a burden.
I could possible not know what Emma was feeling other than that she wanted to feel wanted and popular too. She always came dressed nice and neat like she was going to church. At recess she would try and tag along with us to the playground, although I knew the other girls were not so fond of her. I tried to figure out what she was lacking other than her taste in clothing. Maybe her mother also picked her outfits out or maybe she just liked to wear church clothes. She looked like a typical Swedish girl; tall, skinny, blue eyes, slightly tanned skin and golden blonde hair. Yet the other girls didn’t find her cool; at least not cool enough to hang out with. During recess Emma agreed to play the tagger all the time, I couldn’t imagine how exhausting that must have been for her. However, she managed to get the attention of the other girls.
One day, Emma didn’t show up to school, and I was asked by the girls to be the tagger. I hesitated when I was asked but agreed at the end. Ten minutes later I was exhausted and didn’t feel like running around like a headless chicken at the playground anymore.
Me; Hey guys, I don’t feel like being the tagger no more.
Michelle; Why not?
Me; Because I feel exhausted, why can’t one of you be the tagger?
All of a sudden the other girls didn’t feel like playing tag no more and said;
“It’s getting too cold outside, lets just go inside and wait till class start”, said Michelle.
Michelle was the only child in her family. She had her mother, step-father, grandmother and grandfather’s full attention every day. Every morning her mother, grandmother and her two dogs would walk her to school. I would watch her as she waved them good-bye and gave her dogs kisses. She could have just walked to school by herself, since she only lived 5 blocks away. It seemed like she requested a whole entourage to take her to her own playground.
Math class was the only class time I could sit and daydream about what I would do if I had enough money to buy cool things, like a new freestyle, or a portable cd player. There was no point of paying attention in math class because my baba told my brothers and I how people in our bloodline are horrible with numbers. Therefore I didn’t see the point of even trying to learn more than being able to count my future money. Class ended a lit bit earlier this time, Mr. Kent asked me to stay after class. At that point my palms were all wet from sweat because I had no idea what I have done wrong. The only time you are in trouble is if you are asked to stay inside while your classmates were in recess.
Mr. Kent gently said; Please have a seat right here Ruket,
I was trying to look him in the face without being too obvious but I found myself starring down the floor as I slowly walked over to the chair right next to his desk. He gently closed the math books and the note book he had in front of him and pulled out a yellow folder. He looked up and smiled. The smile felt like it was an indication of “its okay you are not in trouble” but I couldn’t hold myself to keep my mouth shut out of respect, I asked him;
Me; Mr. Kent did I do something bad.
Mr. Kent; No Ruket you are not in trouble.
Before he could continue Ms. Jessica walked in the room. Ms. Jessica was Mr. Kent’s teaching assistant, she was a hip and cool lady but she had her days. There was a rumor that was going around that Mr. Kent was going to propose to her but it wouldn’t be so cool because he was twice her age. Ms. Jessica walked in and took a seat right next to me. I couldn’t help but drying my hands on my sweat pants because I didn’t want them to notice how nervous I was. In the back of my head I was thinking of all the possible things I have done in order for me to be sitting inside while my friends are out being cool.
Mr. Kent; How are you liking school?
Me; It is okay, I really like recess.
As I smiled and looked out the window to see my friends play while I was stuck inside.
Mr. Kent; Well the reason we asked you to stay in is because we have some concerns over a classmate of yours. Emma’s parents has reached out to us both and informed us that Emma has been coming home crying every day since school started this fall.
Me; Why would she cry? Emma is nice to me.
Mr. Kent; She feels as if some students are being mean to her and tease her for no reason.
My first thought was; how on earth did I miss this, why was I not part of the teasing? Was I not so cool enough to be part of the teasing group?
Mr. Kent; We would like to put a stop to this and we would like you to help us identify the students who are part of putting Emma down.
All of a sudden I became speechless. Not so much to Emma being picked on, but to why I was called in to the teacher’s office and inform him as if I was a spy. Spies are cool but not cool enough. This means that I was not seen as part of the group, just an outsider. My efforts to melt in the center of coolness has failed, I had failed.
As the story begins, the theme is explained by a quote that briefly discusses the idea of bullying, and then the narrator tries to define why many individuals want to be “cool,” which is the reason why preventing bullying is hard. Then, the story begins with a personal experience of the writer. This well-executed literary technique sheds light on bullying and why many students don’t speak up when someone is being bullied because they want to be “cool.” The voice of the narrator is apparent in the first couple of paragraphs as passive. I enjoyed how the narrator creates suspense throughout the story, and then delays the resolution by a tangential story in paragraph 15. I admired how the narrator explained the perspective of the bully in the eyes of an observer.
I would suggest that the narrator develop Emma’s character more because she is the main character and only described as “a typical Swedish girl; tall, skinny, blue eyes, slightly tanned skin and golden blonde hair,” which prevents the reader from connecting to her character at the ending of the story. I found it confusing to figure out if Emma was the bully or the victim, so I would suggest that the narrator clarify the meaning of the game “Tagger” because it could represent that Emma was the person who chose the person that would be bullied or she was just playing a simple game like tag. The reader makes this association because the first two paragraphs imply that the two are connected. Overall, I enjoyed how the writer reveals the main character’s internal thoughts when she hears that Emma was being picked on because it revealed her true opinion of Emma.
The writer gets to the conclusion that, “They say that a boy will always be mommy’s little boy while a girl will be daddy’s little girl. That saying pretty much summarized my relationship with my mama.” I wanted more details with your relationship with your mother. I like the mix of foreign languages such as, “baba.” I felt like the ending rapidly summed your piece. You can give explanations as to what would have made you succeed instead of failing. Also why do you think spies are “not cool enough”? Tagger also sounds like a name given to someone who is in control.
I would’ve liked for you to write more about your relationship with your mom and how she makes you feel “uncool” when it comes to you and your brothers. I would’ve liked you to elaborate on the culture differences. Although you skimmed the surface of the Emma’s role in your group of friends, it would’ve been nice to know a little bit about the relationship you had with her. I liked how you gave a glimpse of what life was like for Michelle so that the reader could make the distinction between her and Emma. I enjoyed how you mentioned the girls asking you to be the tagger because it suggested to the reader what the girls thought of you without obviously giving it away. Your ending was intriguing and showed your awareness (or lack of). It also connected you to Emma by being consumed with the idea of being cool. Good first draft
The title is perfect because it introduces your topic. You do a good job of defining what is cool in your school but also leaving out a lot of the criteria, justifiably because you were not cool.
The end where you explain that you were an outsider, not completely uncool but not cool enough, touches on the middle passage about you being picked for tag in Emma’s absence.
I wish I felt more anxiety when you were held from recess by mr kent. You describe your palms being sweaty but that scene felt very explanatory and didn’t put the reader in your experience. I identified with as one would that knows the politics of school but I wish I felt more dread. If not at that scene then at the tagging scene. The tagging scene is explanatory but I wish more was there that would make the reader sympathize with uncool people and definitively place cool people as bullies. I identified with the scenes, but for entertainment sake ( and creative writing) I want to feel the suffering of uncool people.
Aha sorry I thought your story was super cute. I felt like you really captured your preteen self in this piece. Nicely done with that. I think there was vocabulary that’s uncommon for American children to use, but I realize that you are from Europe, so you could give us some more setting to resolve this. I think in general, with this story, more setting would be helpful. Like I’m not sure what office you were referring to in your first paragraph.
Try to connect your ending with the beginning. I’m not saying it doesn’t make sense to say you failed to be cool. It’s just that you didn’t expand enough on being cool as an achievement, or as something you win, so it doesn’t feel like a proper parallel to end by saying you failed. You could add more to the paragraph where you define being cool for a better balance and a more suitable ending.
The first paragraph also needed to be expanded to better connect to the rest of the piece. You might consider discussing Michelle, Sandra and Jenny some more, such as their behaviors, since they seem to be the “cool” girls everyone was looking up to. Be careful with your verb tense; you shift between past and present in some places, especially with the first line.
Other than those few things, I felt like the content was very cohesive. It was a very charming piece of writing and kept my attention throughout. Great job.
When I was reading your piece, the entire time I hear the narrators voice of one of a gentle and almost fragile little girl. This set the tone for me from the very beginning. You discuss a topic that has gained widespread recognition in the past couple of years and has helped spread the word on bullying. I thought you did a great job at setting up your story by using the initial quote because it helps the reader gear their focus on the theme you intend to bring out. I feel like you took a little long to reach your climax so I would work on finding a way to give the reader more clues of what’s to happen. Also, I wish you would’ve elaborated more on the dynamic between you siblings and yourself. That could be anther story in it of itself. You might want to change your memoir completely and make your piece about growing up in our household. However, if you chose to stick with your original memoir, that of which the focus is bullying, just try and expand towards the end. I felt like your conclusion was rushed a little. Perhaps you were aiming for a dramatic ending but I felt like it needed a little more. Otherwise, I think this us a nice first draft.
Your*
Great piece. It is very relatable. I think you should put more details about emotional states of the people being bullied so that readers could sympathize with the “uncool” people. How do you feel about not being a recognized individual in your family? How do you cope? I would like to know more about what happens to Emma and the issue with her being bullied.
I enjoyed your piece. I like how the narrator comes to the realization that she is not cool at the end (despite her never being the one that was bullied). And since you did not say whether or not the narrator becomes a spy or becomes a bully, it allows the reader a fun opportunity to choose their own path for the narrator to go.
I also found it interesting that the narrator does not immediately feel pity or compassion for Emma having found out that her classmate cries after school every day, but is instead more interested in where her own (the narrator’s) status is in terms of being cool.
You picked an excellent topic, everyone can relate to wanting to be cool in school and also encountering bullying, but you included enough details with it being in Scandinavia and your family being Eritrean to make the narrative specific to your tale; it allows for a smooth transition for the readers to picture themselves there.
Oh, and why do you write quotes with semicolons? Is that how they’re written in in Sweden?
It was not a all confusing to read, but I would say I was taken aback by the quotes being written in an unfamiliar format.
I enjoyed this piece a lot in that it is different to hear life in the eyes of someone from Scandinavia juxtaposed with America. Your title is abrupt and straight to the point likewise, the piece. Cool refers to the bullying and your longing to fit in which I found an interesting notion. I’m left a bit anxious on knowing what happened in the end. You claim that you failed to be cool. Does this mean you snitched or did you keep your mouth shut to stay cool. This piece of information will wrap up the piece really well.
The Unspoken principle
I enjoyed reading your piece. I can relate to it because I have an older brother, like in your case my brother is a difficult person to deal with.
The voice in the story to me sounds as a frustrated, determined, and caring boy. While reading the story I felt that the mother was barely there for Sergio because of certain quotes that made me assumed that. Such as, “Walking alone into this building was strange without my mother because everyone else was accompanied by their parents.” “I arrived home and ran to my mother. She was sleeping, but I woke her up and said, “Mom, guess what I have?”’ I enjoyed those hidden clues in the piece.
I enjoyed the layout of the piece; I was able to follow the story line. Good job.
The Unspoken principle
Reading your piece was an enjoyment. I can relate to it because I have an older brother, like in your case my brother is a difficult person to deal with.
The voice in the story to me sounds as a frustrated, determined, and caring boy. While reading the story I felt that the mother was barely there for Sergio because of certain quotes that made me assumed that. Such as, “Walking alone into this building was strange without my mother because everyone else was accompanied by their parents.” “I arrived home and ran to my mother. She was sleeping, but I woke her up and said, “Mom, guess what I have?”’ I enjoyed those hidden clues in the piece.
I enjoyed the layout of the piece; I was able to follow the story line. Good job.
I really enjoyed reading this piece and the voice. This piece is very retable to others and myself. I really like how at the ending you come to realize that you were not a part of the “cool” group. I would have like to see more details about Scandinavia and Eritran.
Reading your story I felt as if it ended prematurely. It wasn’t as conclusive as I expected and it left me wanting more at the end. I like the line about how you couldn’t “melt into the center of coolness” because it’s all every child wants. Your story is good, your recollection of wanting to fit very relatable.
I enjoyed your story, especially the thoughts that you had while experiencing the exclusion. I liked how you added that you believed you thought you were part of the cool group when you were not. I feel proud how you added that information in the piece. Student and children want to fit in and do things to do so. I would have like to see dialogue between you and your friend, in order for the reader to see the strength of the relationship between the both. Other than that, the story was good.
I like that the conclusion has no ending. I would like a better understanding of why you would rather bully the girl than not be cool. I would like to know more of your relationship with your mother. I am glad that you told the other girls that you did not want to be the tagger anymore. I would like to know more about your relationships with the other girls.
This piece made me laugh genuinely. “Cool” is so high school. But maybe there’s some mystique behind the “clique” that makes former high school friends/enemies/acquaintances look at one another with that same vibe 30 years after graduation. If you were not “cool” you were the scapegoat. Being the latter, you were almost always tormented and put under false pretenses. I think the author wrote this because she wasn’t “cool” enough before her college years. She wanted to get her audience to know how pathetic being “cool” really is.
one of the flaws in this story is that it reads too formal for a piece about growing up and playing tag, and being cool. with such a topic you have more room to be descriptive and break the rules a bit. basically you need to show not tell. i didnt believe in any emotion in this story.
Good story, aptly titled.
So being cool was part of being the mean crowd, which is not really cool, but to a kid in school, I suppose that’s how they would see it.
This piece works for me. It’s not overdone or underdone. I suppose what I mean is, I’m not seeing too much fancy prose here, but at the same time I’m not underwhelmed by any sort of lack of writing skill.
I think I like your quotes; in a story, the dialogue seems to bring me in. I wonder if anyone else feels this way.
Your buildup is good. Emma is cool, then suddenly she is not, then you are somewhere in the middle, or at the far end of cool depending on how you look at things. There’s a good flow to the story, and you manage to fit these stages into a short piece without having to give too much exposition. I think we readers like being shown, not told. Good work.
The name calling in the beginning of the piece definitely drew me in. The names sort of hinted at what this essay would be about and the consequences that would come upon it.
It felt a little incomplete at the end because it did not mention how both parties walked out of the situation. Ambiguity can be a good thing, but in a piece light this, it does not help it.
Love the phrase “Nothing is guaranteed in life besides death.” Very true and meaningful.
This piece has a strong narrative voice, and it’s very relatable. Everyone wants to fit in and be “cool” in one way or another. I wondered about your word choice, when you used the term “tagger” instead of IT. This could be because of the setting being in Scandinavia – however I’m not sure. This would have been a good contrast though, because saying “you’re IT!” has many metaphorical implications that could work well with your piece. I also wanted you to develop your mother and father a little more in this piece to further describe the nature of your isolation. I wanted you to reflect upon this more throughout the piece. Also, at the ending you have a revelation that you were not cool. However, I’m wondering if you didn’t know it all along, and if you could have developed your revelation a little further at the conclusion of your piece? Loved your piece, and I really related to it!
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